Create a positive relationship with your teen in five “easy” ways
We’ve all been warned, right? As our cute bubble-blowing toddlers bounce around the playground, another parent eventually says, “Oh, you wait until those teen years. They’re the worst.” You suddenly get flashbacks of your teenage years and think, “Yup, I definitely have it coming to me” followed quickly by, “What did I get myself into?” Yikes. Don’t freak out just yet. And even if you’re not a parent, I’m sure you know a teen, whether they’re your niece/nephew, best friend’s kid, or kid who lives down the street. Don’t stop reading just because you’re not responsible for another human being in their teen years.
Even the best parents who’ve read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, and have it all together are no match for a disastrous combination of hormones, high school, and a burning desire for independence. The smallest things, like emptying the dishwasher, being nice to their siblings, or “Can you look up from your phone?” becomes a battle of wits. And who’s going to win this battle?
But just as your baby caterpillar is changing into a young butterfly before your eyes, your relationship with them needs to change also. They don’t need us to feed, clothe, and bathe them anymore (although it would be nice if they were). Teens need us in different ways and probably the most important ways. In many cases, their teenage years are the most important to their adult development and often the choices they make during this time affects the rest of their lives. No pressure, parent!
Striking the balance between independence and keeping our relationships close with our teens can be tricky. A lack of life experience combined with little guidance and inconsistent boundaries may steer them towards dangerous behaviors. PsychCentral states, “The goal is to raise a healthy, well-balanced young adult who knows right from wrong, cares about others, and takes pride in themselves and their abilities.” It’s a big task, but you’re the best one to take it on!
If you want to have a great relationship with your teen, try out these five things to start:
Quality time. Having structured family time provides support and a sense of consistency for your teen. This reinforces family bonds and allows for a natural approach for your teen to confide in you. Even though it may not be cool to hang out with Mom and Dad anymore, these times together remind them that you’re there for them and reminds them they’re part of the family (even if they groan or toss an eye-roll at you every now and then).
Model what you want to see. Children are extremely aware of their parents’ behavior. Yeah, you thought it was funny when your toddler said the F-word when you stubbed your big toe on the couch, but now you have a full-fledged teen who might just be waiting to drop the perfect F-bomb on you. You don’t have to be perfect; in fact, you should let them know you’re not perfect. Children easily mimic what they see at home as acceptable, and that includes excessive alcohol, smoking, and illicit behaviors. The “do as I say, not as I do” method no longer works.
Establish some guard rails. Although you have a teen who is experimenting with boundaries and probably testing their limits, you’re still the adult in the house and the one who sets the limits. When it comes to what is and isn’t allowed, calmly and firmly set boundaries. Let them have some freedom and independence with guard rails.
Give respect and get respect. Criticism and teasing aren’t beneficial in any relationship, especially with a sensitive teen. Don’t use negative language, put-downs or anything else that may diminish their self-esteem. This is a critical time to build them up and make sure they feel comfortable and confident. If you don’t want them flying off the handle, you shouldn’t be flying off the handle either.
Show them you care. This is a great time to make sure your teen feels loved and supported, so find little ways to show them you care. Whether it’s grabbing Starbucks together, bringing them lunch, or sending a quick text about something funny that happened in your day, they’ll appreciate it and will often reciprocate this behavior. If you have a fight, take the time to apologize and emphasize that you love them no matter what.
Parenting through the teen years are definitely not easy and building a positive relationship with your teen requires a lot of energy and intention. But with these five ways to start, you’ll be well on your way to maintaining a great and positive relationship with your teen.
If you need help with building a positive relationship with your teen, contact me today for an exploratory call or sign up for 1-on-1 coaching to see how life coaching can help you and your teen discover your why, create goals and build habits. Also, don’t forget group coaching sessions start monthly. March’s book for teen group coaching is The Six Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make by Sean Covey.
Mom/Dad/Grandma/Grandpa/Aunt/Uncle/Caring Adult, you’ve got this. I’m cheering you on and I’m rooting for you to grow an amazing and capable kid into an amazing and capable young adult. Hope to talk to you soon!
Love, Niki